


犬の歯に蚤 (A Flea Between a Dog's Teeth)

by lemoninagin



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Canon-Typical Violence, Eventual Shizaya, Eventual Smut, F/M, Kinda Crackish, M/M, Slow Burn, a lot of things are not what they seem, everything that can go wrong does, gross misundertandings that cause shit to go down, kida and erika team up to be matchmakers, maybe some drama thrown in there, oblivious!izaya, plot originating from a really stupid idea, roleplay??
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-06
Updated: 2015-05-19
Packaged: 2018-03-29 08:10:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3888850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemoninagin/pseuds/lemoninagin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kida didn't want to have to deal with this shit, but here he was once again. Why did he ever think anything Izaya involved him with would have positive results? Izaya's out to make Shizuo's life more difficult as usual, with Kida as his partner in crime, but a serious misunderstanding makes things go all to hell. Original plans get abandoned quickly as Izaya begins to wonder what other expressions Shizuo might make besides rage....</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 裏には裏がある (More to the story than meets the eye)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is the first fanfic I've written in about a decade so please forgive the horrible writing style. This all started with a weird plot bunny that got out of hand. Sort of inspired by the kink meme (as far as I know there's no prompt like this, but it came to me while I was on there). Also, to explain the title, 犬の歯に蚤 (Inu no ha ni nomi) is a Japanese proverb lit. meaning "A Flea between a dog's teeth" which essential means "small things are difficult to catch, so be careful". I really like how Narita uses proverbs throughout Durarara, so I decided to use some. I guess it's kind of obvious who the flea is and who's the dog. ( ͡͡ ° ͜ ʖ ͡ °)

A incredibly long and awkward silence filled the room as the two sat at the table. 

This was weird.

No, scratch that. Thinking “this was weird” was an understatement.

This was beyond weird. This had transcended so far beyond weird, that it made the fact that Celty was an immortal, headless, Irish fairy seem completely ordinary in comparison.

Masaomi Kida decided that this was the single most awkward experience of his young life. 

It had started out normally enough. The incredible pay raise had been a very happy and unexpected surprise. He had taken the offer from Izaya immediately, caught up in the thoughts of being able to afford to take Saki out somewhere nice to dinner, or maybe even making a grand getaway and using the pay raise against Izaya to relocate as far from Shinjuku as possible. Before he arrived at the luxurious apartment, Kida had finally begun to come down from his fantasy-driven high, and started to feel a creeping sensation in the pit of his stomach he could only identify as 'intense regret'. And as usual when dealing with Izaya, there was an unpleasant catch to it all that he was now currently experiencing. 

Kida cleared his throat awkwardly, unsure of how to approach the current monstrous sized elephant in the room. If Izaya noticed the painfully obvious attempt at beginning a conversation, he chose not to acknowledge it, instead continuing to leer in an unnerving manner at Kida. Or more so probably, which was what the matter at hand was related to, at Kida's current attire. Kida cleared his throat once more and thought 'to hell with it', plunging through the thick atmosphere.

“Izaya-san...I know the job terms included not asking any questions, but-”

Izaya's eyes narrowed, but his predatory smirk only grew larger. “Then I suggest you stick to the fine print, Masaomi-kun.”

Kida faltered slightly, but felt that it was his right to know. He knew Izaya was up to something and this ridiculous situation must have something to do with it. _There's no way he could intimidate me with any more blackmail,_ thought Kida. Considering the current dirt Kida had on him and the fact he'd already been exposed as the leader of the yellow scarves, he assumed there wasn't much else that could be used against him. Then again, Izaya also knew Kida was too loyal to ever take any real revenge towards him. He was still too reliant on his paychecks. So he figured he had some leeway to at least be as obnoxious as possible while he had the rare opportunity to do so.

“Yeah, I'm gonna ask anyway. Care to explain what all this,” Kida paused to gesture to his outfit with an exaggerated sweep of his hands, “is all about?”

Izaya simply closed his eyes, sighed, and shrugged. “I'm not really sure what you mean,” he said in an incredibly aggravating manner. He took a sip from his tea quietly.

Kida rolled his eyes and fixed him with a 'don't give me that bullshit you lying little shit' look. 

“Seriously? Look at me! I always knew you had a screw loose but this...th-this,” Kida seemed to be at a complete loss of words for the briefest of moments but pressed on to try and finish as eloquently as possible, “This is some pretty fucked up shit right here.” Ok, maybe not as elegantly as it could have been in its delivery, but Kida maintained a prideful manner at his quick choice of words and grinned triumphantly.

The “pretty fucked up shit” in question was the fact that Kida's new job apparently seemed to consist of two very simple and, albeit confusing, incredibly awkward tasks. The first task had been to don a bartender's uniform that was an exact replica of one Shizuo Heiwajima's (which had somehow been tailored to his exact measurements – go figure) and a pair of blue sunglasses (identical of course to the aforementioned blonde-haired protozoan's). The second task had been to basically just pretend that none of the first task had even occurred, and to spend time with and assist Izaya with whatever was at his request.  
It was hard to say which of the two tasks was more cringe worthy, in all honesty. It also didn't make Kida feel any less anxious with the suspicious open ended phrasing of 'whatever was at his request'. The terms were simple – 'Don't ask questions, I will increase your pay in tenfold, and this will be an occasionally re occurring job' (“You can handle something that simple, ne, Masaomi-kun?”) Of course, with just the terms stated, Kida assumed it was just the regular old gathering info accompanied by some unpleasant tasks. Never in his wildest dreams would he have assumed he'd be playing dress up as his boss' claimed worst nemesis.

“Can't two people simply enjoy a cup of tea together? What's 'fucked up' about that? I didn't realize this was akin to a crime among young people today.” Izaya definitely knew exactly what Kida meant, but it was as if he wanted to see what Kida would say first. And because it was Izaya, that's precisely what he was doing, with the added addition of getting to see some wonderful human reactions. Izaya's eyes practically glittered in anticipation.

“Damn it, you know this isn't about the tea! Even though it is also fucked up for that fact because no one would willingly ever have tea with you for your company.” Izaya's smirk faltered somewhat at that statement, which Kida inwardly rewarded himself for achieving. “But, _in addition to that_ , I'm dressed like Shizuo fucking Heiwajima! You know, that guy you say you hate and antagonize at every chance you get? I guess what I'm getting at here, since you know it's not like I'm gonna say anything to anyone but....I gotta know why.”

“Well, isn't it obvious?”

“Uh...is it supposed to be?” Kida looked confused. How adorable.

“Who else in Tokyo has atrociously bleached blonde hair like that, and in addition has an established business relationship with me? Really, Kida, it appears the bleach may be having detrimental effects on your brain functioning. Perhaps it would be in your best interest to stop re-traumatizing your poor brain cells.”

Kida's initially calm but anxious demeanor had flared into a full fledged annoyance-induced rage that Izaya was clearly reveling in provoking, the smug bastard. He stood up suddenly from the table, nearly knocking his tea over. 

“You...YOU INFURIATING LITTLE MAN!” 

Izaya cocked an eyebrow at the choice of words. 

“I really don't appreciate being yelled at. ”

“You bastard-!”

Seeing Izaya continue to smile calmly back at him, he realized he was reacting just how Izaya probably wanted him to. Kida took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and channeled pictures of his closest friends in his mind. As he imagined Saki's smiling face, Anri's voluptuous chest (Saki didn't have to know everything), and Mikado's endearing stammering voice, Kida managed to calm himself down somewhat and began to slowly return to his seat, still glaring daggers at Izaya.

“Wait, don't sit down just yet.” Kida paused mid way and raised an eyebrow questioningly. Izaya got up from his seat and backed up several feet to stare at him, eyes sweeping up and down Kida's body as he put a hand up to his chin and scrutinized him in an even more uncomfortable manner than before. 

“Hmm, the height difference is quite noticeable, but I am sure at a distance it would be hard to tell. Ah, either way this will have to do! You can sit down now, if you'd like.” 

At this point, Kida decided maybe he was better off not knowing what this was all about. He heaved a heavy sigh and returned to his seat. They sat staring at each other for a moment, raging a silent unspoken battle with their eyes.

Kida broke the eye contact first, eyes growing wide as a thought came to him. Had he been a cartoon character, a small animated light bulb would have suddenly appeared over his head in a comical manner. The odd mood swing from a raging Kida, to a Kida that was now smiling knowingly at Izaya in a manner he decided he really didn't care for, was an unexpected development. Regardless, Izaya kept up his mask, interested in knowing why Kida was suddenly so confident.

“Oh! Oh. Oh my god.” Kida's face scrunched up in disgust briefly. “Ew.” As whatever realization dawned on him, he could barely contain the chuckles that began to fall from his lips, holding his hand to his mouth to keep from bursting out laughing. Izaya's frown deepened. He did not like the feeling of being left in the dark from some sort of inside joke Kida had with himself.

“Ah, what's this? Do tell me what you find so funny.”

Kida snickered and then attempted to gather himself, deciding to lean over the table, hands interlaced as he looked at Izaya innocently. Izaya began to wonder if maybe he shouldn't have chosen Masaomi for this after all. This wasn't going exactly as he had planned. He had anticipated the anger, the annoyance, hell, he had even considered the fact that Masaomi would simply be subservient and not say much of anything out of embarrassment. But this, this had not been on the agenda. And as much as Izaya liked when his humans would occasionally defy his expectations, in this instance it only seemed to remind him more of Shizuo (and well, to be fair, Kida _was_ dressed like him. Maybe the outfit itself did have some sort of brutish effect on its wearer. Izaya noted this possibility to explore at a later time.). Izaya had the sinking feeling he was the butt of the secret joke only Kida knew, and damned if he was going to have the tables turned on him like this.

“You are, of course. I think I understand what this is all about now.” His grin was practically blinding. He winked knowingly. Izaya felt more than a little disturbed at the gesture.

“Do you now?” Izaya said levelly.

“Yup. Although, this is pretty sick, even by your standards. But eh. You know I always go with the flow.” Kida shrugged. Fuck it, he thought. If this is what he thought it was...well, he'd already agreed to do it. As long as nothing _too weird_ happened, he figured he could deal with it. Also, he may have been channeling his thoughts to the powers of his adorable friends again.

Izaya wasn't sure he entirely understood, but decided to address it some other time. He beamed a charming grin, the one that made his humans initially want to hug him, but then deciding against it in favor of covering their throats.

“Well good then! I won't have to waste my time debriefing you about everything. It's a pleasure working with you, as always Kida-kun, but I have to say I've had enough of your company for the day. You'll receive your first paycheck by the end of this week. I'm sure you can see yourself out.” He gestured in the direction of the door, his hand waving as if he was shooing away a rather pesky fly. He pulled out one of his cellphones from his coat pocket and immediately became engrossed in it.

“Oh thank god. Er, I'm going to go change first of course,” Kida said sheepishly, pointing a thumb towards the bathroom where his clothes lay. Freedom was so close.

“Yes, yes, that would be wise.” Izaya agreed, not looking up from his phone.

Kida got up from his spot at the table and quickly turned to get the hell out of there, but paused when an another odd thought came to him. 

“Oh and Izaya?”

Izaya lifted his head at this, clearly annoyed and wondering why the fuck Kida was even still there.

“If you do anything _funny_ ,” Izaya swore he saw a faint blush color Kida's cheeks, but it could have just been his imagination. “I may just have no choice but to let it slip about how much of a perverted bastard you really are.”

 _Oh ho, what's this?_ thought Izaya. _Kida thinks he has the upper hand! This is really getting interesting now! And what is he even rambling on about, anyway?_ Izaya guessed he could agree he was perverted in a sense, but he wasn't sure in what sense Kida meant. He'd really have to figure out this odd inside joke at some point. 

He laughed maniacally. “Haha, Kida-kun, you never fail to amuse me. Blackmail, really? Can't say I ever expected you'd have the guts to do something like that. I'm truly shaking with fear on the inside! Ha!” Izaya pretended to wipe tears from his eyes as his laughing began to subside. Kida rolled his eyes at the dramatic display.

“But in all seriousness, I wouldn't underestimate me. I'm an information broker after all, and I especially like to gather extra information on my clients and employees. Did you know on average, most humans happen to have way more than one secret they are hiding from the world? Or, say, from someone close to them...perhaps a lover?” Kida froze and suddenly looked nervous, breaking eye contact and choosing to look at the floor instead. On top of that, a dark deep red blush now flushed his entire face.

“Y-You...you know about _that_?” he managed to squeak out, lowering his voice to a whisper.

“Of course I do. I know just about everything about you and my key pawns of Ikebukuro! Honestly, you think you'd realize that by now. Well then, if you have no further empty threats you'd like to make, I'll be seeing you around, Kida-kun. You may leave your uniform on the couch before you go.” Izaya waved happily and Kida slunk off, cursing himself for saying such a stupid thing. At this point he just wanted to get the hell out of there. He hurriedly changed and quickly left without another word.

Izaya looked up as he heard his door slam. He grinned once more and got up from his kitchen table, stretching languidly, and headed towards his desk. 

“He's got a point, you know. I didn't think you could be anymore of a depraved freak than you already are, but then again I'm not really that surprised,” A female voice suddenly muttered bitterly from across the room. 

“Ah, Namie-san. I forgot you were even here. Well, I guess it isn't really hard to forget a presence as inconsequential as yours.” Said secretary Namie looked up from her position at her desk and threw a glare towards Izaya. She huffed and muttered something under her breath that sounded suspiciously like 'pretentious little prick'. Izaya simply ignored her and turned around to face the enormous window behind his desk.

“Oh, but this is going to be so interesting! I haven't bothered Shizu-chan as of late, so I'm sure he's been lulled into a false sense of security. With a doppelganger at my every command, there are so many things I can do! I could place Masaomi-kun into some sticky situations with the Awakusu-kai, who will no doubt begin to investigate Shizu-chan's every move! Or maybe I should start some online rumors about us joining up as an unstoppable tag team that should be feared by all? Ah, there are so many possibilities. Just thinking of the ways Shizu-chan will suffer makes me so happy I could throw up!”

Namie snickered. “I'm sure his suffering isn't the only thing that makes you happy,” she said nonchalantly. Izaya turned to face her.

“Why does it feel like you and Kida-kun have some sort of odd interpretation of this situation?” Izaya looked slightly puzzled. The inside joke appeared to be shared between the two. Hmm.

Namie laughed out loud this time. “For all your smart talk, you really are pretty dense. Anyway, if you are quite done with your rant, I'll be leaving now. I don't get paid enough for this shit.” And with a huff she gathered her things and briskly walked out the door, slamming it in a similar manner that Kida had just moments before.

Izaya stared after her for a moment, shrugged, and turned to face his window. He couldn't contain the grin the re emerged on his face. 

“Well, I guess it's time for the game to begin.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's proverb is 裏には裏がある (ura ni wa ura ga aru) lit. "there is a reverse side to the reverse side" meaning there is more to the story than one is aware of (or more than meets the eye).
> 
> Please let me know what you think! I really could use some constructive criticism. Kida is not a character I usually like to write, but I like the way he interacts with Izaya, so for the sake of the story to unfold he's going to be a key player in all this. This was originally just supposed to be a one shot, but it got really out of hand. I've never written multiple chapters for a fic so bear with me in this trying time. Also key to note, this story takes place sometime after the third novel events (or season 1) but in some au where Kida doesn't really leave and continues to attend Raira. Vorona and Akabayashi will be making appearances later, so there are some later novel spoilers throughout.


	2. 唇の薄い者はよく喋る ( Loose Lips Sink Ships)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 唇の薄い者はよく喋る (kuchibiru no usui mono wa yoku shaberu) literally, “a thin-lipped person talks a lot”. A person that talks a lot, despite having thin lips. In short, someone who talks too much for their own good. I used "loose lips sink ships" as it's the most closely related english translation.

“So....,” Kida trailed off, slightly intimidated by the cold, expressionless beauty before him by the name of Namie Yagiri. He'd noticed her briefly during his previous excursions to Izaya's apartment, but had never really gotten a good look at her before. She was stunning, with her dark flowing hair, tall but nicely curved body, and a pretty face to boot. Normally Kida had no problem flirting with women who were as babelicious as the one in front of him. However, her current demeanor was anything but friendly, and the aura surrounding her was downright frightening. He wondered what kind of person she could be to put up working alongside someone like Izaya day in and day out. 

“Um...I'm guessing you hate Izaya, too, huh?” he said lamely.

“I have yet to meet a person that actually likes him, so it would be safe to assume I definitely don't. I am simply here for a paycheck, as I'm sure you can relate to.”

It had been three days since the unspeakable incident, and Kida had wanted nothing more than to keep curled up in his bed with Saki and pretend none of it had ever happened. He was more than a little mentally scarred. They had been living in a small apartment in Shinjuku (courtesy of the previously mentioned source of trauma) together ever since the incident with the Yellow Scarves had come to a head. Unfortunately, Saki had forced him to get out from under the blankets and get his ass to school the next day after he'd come home. He tried to go about his day as usual, acting as normally as possible around Mikado ( _especially_ around Mikado, for reasons Kida didn't want to quite address just yet) and Anri. He deluded himself with the thought that maybe Izaya wouldn't call him back that soon. But then, here he was. As he arrived at the prearranged time, he came to find the devil himself wasn't even there! Instead, his secretary had opened the door and out of pity had brewed him a pot of green tea. She mumbled something about needing an excuse to do less work today anyway, and thus it led to their current awkward situation - sitting across from each other in Izaya's unsettling minimalist living room.

Kida scratched the back of his neck, chuckling nervously. “Heh, heh, I sure can. By the way, do you happen to have any idea when he may be back? He told me to be here at this exact time, and he's always been on time before..”

“If I could predict what was going on in his sick, twisted little brain, I would have left ages ago. Instead I have to waste my time filing his papers and cooking for him like some sort of live-in housewife. Then I have to sit and listen to his dumb rants all the time because he has no friends.” 

Kida momentarily forgot his nervousness, feeling like he could be more of himself around this mystery woman now that he knew they had infinitely more in common: being consistently humiliated by their boss. “Whaat? Unbelievable! He makes a beauty like you waste her time with such tasks?! He can do what he wants to me, but I cannot forgive such indecency!” Kida threw his hands all about him in an exaggerated manner. His fake outrage did manage to put a small, soft smile on Namie's lips. 

“Damn straight. He highly under utilizes me.” The pretty smile twisted into an unnerving grin that made Kida instantly stop his silly movements. “But it'll all be worth it in the end. Plus, I do try to poison him at least once a week. I'm pretty serious about it, but I swear he's been building some sort of tolerance somehow behind my back. I try out something new every week, but nothing ever works! He eats it right in front of me too, with that stupid smile on his face. Maybe he really isn't human after all....” Namie looked pensive, mostly muttering to herself about other possible methods of murder. Kida made a mental note to himself to never, ever get onto Namie's bad side.

Luckily at that moment, Kida was ironically spared from more interaction from the unstable lady by Izaya, who had just slammed the door open loudly. He skipped across the apartment towards them happily. In his hand a plastic bag swung back and forth as he made his way to the living room and plopped down beside Namie on the couch. She looked extremely offended by this.

“Ah, Kida-kun, so nice to see you again! My apologies for being late, but I had a bit of shopping to do.” Izaya gestured to the plastic bag he held in his hands. 

Kida glared at him. “And you couldn't even send me a text or anything letting me know that? Bastard.”

“I could have, but what would have been the fun in that? It's much more interesting to see how you reacted! Were you enjoying your time with Namie?” Namie looked like she was trying hard to restrain herself, sipping her tea in quietly sustained annoyance. Kida was in awe at the amount of self control she seemed to have. Before Kida could open his mouth in response, Izaya beat him to it.

“It appears you have been, but I'm afraid I can't relate at all. Namie is made of pure ice – her personality is such a bother! Shame that, what a waste of a pretty face.” Namie appeared to have a shorter fuse than Kida previously thought. She slammed her tea cup down on the coffee table and stood in a huff. Kida shivered as he saw her expression change to one of pure hatred; however, she was smirking that unnerving grin again. Without a word, she flicked her long hair over her shoulder and stormed out of the apartment, making a point to slam the door as hard as she could.

Izaya sighed and shook his head. “My, my, all this abuse of my door is going to end in tragedy one day,” he lamented to no one in particular. “Well, let's get down to business then.” 

“Oh joy. I can hardly contain my excitement,” Kida muttered sarcastically. Izaya ignored his tone and flashed him a blinding grin.

“Great! So, in preparation of our first mission out, I made this important purchase.” Izaya all but threw the plastic bag with the mystery item at Kida, who had just enough time to raise his hands to keep it from hitting him in the face. 

“Unfortunately for you, it's coming out of your paycheck since it's part of your uniform. But because you appear to be _so_ enthusiastic about this, I should hardly think that'd put a damper on your mood, ne?”

“Please go get hit by a bus,” Kida deadpanned.

“Haha, your jokes never fail to put a smile on my face. Well, aren't you going to open up your present?”

Kida sighed and quickly removed the box that was inside the plastic bag. He opened it to find what appeared to be a normal pair of really nice black leather shoes. He furrowed his brow in confusion.

“Huh, why do I need this? I already have shoes I can wear with my outfit....also, what did you mean by our mission “out”?” Kida instantly felt a foreboding feeling overtake him.

Izaya shook his head in a patronizing way. “They're not just any old shoes, my dear Masaomi – they have false heels in them! You know...to help you out in the height department.” Izaya conveniently chose to ignore the latter question.

Kida tilted his head to the side and gave him an incredulous look. “You....want me to wear high heels?” He took one of the shoes out and observed it more closely. It didn't look like a girls shoe to him, but upon closer inspection he noticed that for the small space inside they had pretty thick soles.

“Not as such, no. The proper term you are looking for is 'elevator shoes'~! They are made to give the illusion of height without it looking like they're elevated at all. Think of them as secret heels, if you will.”

“....so basically high heels.” 

Izaya gave him a withering look. “Sure, sure, whatever.”

“Okaaay.....but _why_ do I need to wear them?” Kida's confusion was starting to become less endearing and beginning to grate on Izaya's nerves.

“Really, Masaomi, I thought you were sharper than this. Shizu-chan has at least a good 15 cm over you (1). That's a pretty big discrepancy, right? It'd be weird for us to be seen together and suddenly I'm taller than you,” Izaya stated matter-of-factly, gesturing 'you' in quotations with his fingers. Kida considerably paled.

“W-what? You can't be serious! You want me to walk around in _public_ dressed as Shizuo?! I thought you just wanted me to dress up here! Are you out of your freaking mind?! He'll kill me if he sees me like that - especially if I'm with you! This is a suicide mission!” Kida frantically blabbered away, his arms gyrating about him in a frenzy as he desperately tried to convey how fucking stupid Izaya was.

“Eh? Why the hell would I just have you dress up here? That completely defeats the whole purpose of this. And relax, it's actually quite easy to avoid him. Look here.” Izaya pulled out one of his many phones (this one was a sleek, black iPhone sporting a key chain with a tiny replica of a pawn chess piece) and quickly typed something, pulling up the browser to show to Kida. The headline of the page read “Shizuo Heiwajima Warning Message Board” (2). 

“See? This is a public board that keeps track of where Shizu-chan is at basically all hours of the day. He scares people so much, everyone wanted to make a safe place online to help save my humans from being brutalized. He's not really a hard person to miss, honestly, with him gallivanting around like the violent freak he is (3).” Izaya's eyes narrowed as the thoughts of Shizuo began to put him in a sour mood.

“This still doesn't make me feel any better! I didn't think this was what you were going to do at all, I just thought you had a, uh, an um...that you were, you know...” Kida trailed off as his face reddened in embarrassment. Had he really misinterpreted the situation that badly? Still, it seemed like there was something more to this, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. Ridiculously enough, Kida felt a slight sense of relief. So he was just going to be beaten to death instead of being used for perverse role playing sessions. Not ideal, but definitely an improvement.

Izaya quirked an eyebrow at him, interest peaked at what Kida thought he had wanted him to do. Honestly, did he really think he'd get off so easy? Just sitting around playing dress up and drinking tea? Izaya had bigger fish to fry, and making friends was not on his agenda - especially with someone as lackadaisical as Masaomi.

Kida noticed how Izaya seemed to be observing him carefully. He quickly changed his tone.

“Haha! Just kidding! Of course we would be going out and about Ikebukuro! Please excuse my wandering teenage mind – I usually reserve most of my thoughts for thinking of the ladies, if you know what I mean.” Kida beamed up at Izaya, sighing in relief internally at his super sharp thinking (well at least he thought it was anyway). Izaya grinned in amusement at Kida's sudden change in demeanor, not convinced in the least. He decided to let Kida continue to blunder through his speech in favor of observing him further.

“But then, this whole message board nonsense...hey, wait a second, doesn't this mean you purposefully go out of your way to run into Shizuo if you always know where he is? You might have a constant death wish, but I am much too young and handsome to have my life snuffed out from under me in my prime!” Kida closed his eyes and draped an arm over his forehead dramatically, clutching a hand over his heart. “Just imagine- my beautiful face too marred to be viewed at my funeral!” 

“Ah, everything will be fine. Rest assured your safety is the highest of my priorities.”

Kida was surprised at the serious tone, and paused in his act to crack open an eye to evaluate Izaya's expression.

“Although I can't say for sure whether there will be some close calls or not. Well, that's just the fine print of the business contract, huh? It's also the unfortunate reality of dealing with an unreasonable monster. It can't be helped.” Izaya laughed lightly, smirk plastered on his face. Kida sighed long and loud, as he crumpled in on himself in defeat. Trying to understand Izaya was as pointless as trying to teach a cow to do yoga.

It just simply didn't make any fucking sense.

In a continuing sense of irony (which the cruel world was relishing in inflicting on him in mass amounts lately) Kida was spared from more of Izaya's mocking by the original source he had wanted to be saved from earlier. Namie chose to walk back in at that moment, looking infinitely more calm. 

“Oh, Namie-san, how nice of you to rejoin us. It seems safe to assume you've probably been on the phone with Seiji? Hmm, you don't even have to answer that for me to tell. Thinking of him just makes you feel all a flutter, doesn't it?”

Namie sent him a scathing look, but decided it wasn't worth it to comment. She continued walking to her desk as if nothing was wrong. He was right - of course she'd called Seiji. Even though it had been a brief superficial conversation, she was instantly comforted by the memory of Seiji's soft, firm voice. Every time Izaya spoke, she imagined it was actually her brother's voice she was hearing. Her body relaxed instantly.

Feeling put off by the fact he wasn't able to instigate Namie further, Izaya's smirk faltered somewhat. 

“Oh yeah, Namie-san, since you're already around the general area, would you mind bringing me Shizu-chan's file?”

There was a deafening silence, and then the sound of hurried footsteps accompanied by the shuffling of papers. Izaya's eyes lit up, looking suddenly very interested, which Kida knew from experience translated to 'proceed with caution'. Kida looked around nervously, but didn't see Namie anywhere. His body suddenly grew cold and a shiver ran through him as his nervous system kicked into high alert mode. He looked back at Izaya, but he was staring at a point somewhere above him. Kida slowly followed his gaze to the second floor balcony just in time to witness the vivacious secretary hurtling a large and heavy looking object straight at them, murderous intent written clearly on her face. 

Kida watched in a slow-motion esque horror as the large object came whizzing through the air from above them and made a beeline towards Izaya. As the what-was-clearly-the-aforementioned file-now-turned-into-a-weapon-of-mass-destruction rocketed towards its destination, Kida felt a strong 'mmm watcha say' moment hit him hard as he saw his life flash before his eyes. Judging by its trajectory and the force it was thrown at, there was no doubting it could would hit him as well on its way. Izaya dodged it without so much as breaking a sweat, zipping up from his seat at the last moment. Luckily Kida snapped out of his stupor just in time to dive bomb onto the floor before it surely decapitated him. It hit the couch Izaya had been sitting on just moments before with so much force that it exploded in a shower of paper flurries. If asked to recall how it went down at a later time, Kida would swear he saw smoke coming from the large, binder-shaped crater imprinted in the couch. 

Izaya whistled lowly. “Wow, Namie, I'm impressed. Your aim is definitely improving. Perhaps you may actually hit me next time.” With paper continuing to rain down on them, Namie busied herself with rearranging files as if she hadn't just tried to brutally murder her boss and an innocent boy with office supplies. 

Though Izaya's words were playful, he was clearly annoyed by the fact the file had been nearly obliterated. If anyone had been observing him more carefully, they would have noticed the slight downturn of his lips give him away. He didn't appreciate anyone messing with his files, especially the one he had on Shizuo. The monster was trouble for him, and he had spent quite a bit of time putting that particular one together. 

Fortunately for him, Kida was too busy cowering to notice the change in his expression. Izaya began to calmly collect the papers without saying anything else.

Kida uncovered his head and slowly peered up from his duck-and-cover fetal position. Warily, he observed Namie to gauge her for any sudden movements. He wasn't sure if it was his imagination or not, but he could have sworn he saw a serene, triumphant smile cover her face.

Seeing no immediate threat for the moment, he got to his feet. He noticed with mild embarrassment that his legs were still a bit wobbly.

Kida sighed loudly and ran a hand through his hair. He was already stressed the hell out, and he apparently hadn't even fully started the actual job. As he was lamenting his bad luck once again, a large colored photo that was undoubtedly from the scattered file caught his attention from the floor.  
He picked it up and observed it carefully. He rubbed his eyes and looked again, unsure if what he was seeing was real. He glanced warily at Izaya, but he was currently too busy sulking to notice and had his back turned to him, still gathering papers carefully from the floor. Kida inspected the area around where he had found the picture and discovered there were at least 20 more that he could see. Colored, black and white, small impromptu action pictures, what appeared to be a professional school photo – all in various shapes and sizes. The pictures all had one thing in common: Their subject. 

“.....why do you have, like, a million pictures of Shizuo?”(4)

Izaya turned around immediately. “Oh, good, you found them! Before we were so rudely interrupted by unnecessary violence,” Izaya paused meaningfully to glare up towards Namie, “this is what I was initially getting the file for. I need you to not only dress the part, but also get a feel for how you need to act. This is probably the simplest task, considering all he ever does is frown, scowl, and glare. He is but a simple beast after all. However, if you need to, you may take some pictures with you to study in your spare time.”

Kida shot him an exasperated look. “That doesn't really answer my question...”

“I have many pictures of everyone I keep information on. Well, what kind of informant would I be if I didn't have physical references in my files? What a stupid question, Kida-kun. Good to see you're already making an effort to get into character.”

“Sure, that makes sense, but like...do you really have this many for everyone?”

Izaya shot him a look back that was fully intended to be intimidating, but Kida wasn't particular deterred by it. 

“Is there something else you're trying to say here, Kida-kun?”

Kida shook his head and held his hands in front of himself defensively. “Hey, hey, I'm just making an observation! It just seems, you know. Kinda excessive.” Kida flashed his innocent smile from the other day. So maybe his suspicions hadn't been as far off as he'd thought. 

Before Izaya could retort anything back, a girlish giggle had the two males looking up towards the balcony again.

“You've got something you'd like to add perhaps, Namie-san?” Izaya said coldly.

Namie finally turned around and leaned casually on the railing, hip jutting outward in a confident position as she smirked widely.

“I've got nothing particularly I want to say to you,” she spat towards Izaya, and moved her full attention to Kida. “But you. You're alright, kid. Next time I throw something, I'll try not to hit you. Or at least not hurt you too badly.” Although her words weren't entirely comforting, Kida blushed at being directly acknowledged by the unstable beauty. Hey, attention was attention.

“I do what I can to please, Yagiri-san! If ever a damsel-in-distress needs my services, I am always here to provide!” he bowed deeply. “Although I do not doubt the capabilities of a lady who puts up with such abuse on a daily basis! You must teach me your ways sometime, oh wise one!” 

“I'm glad at least someone recognizes my talents.”

Izaya was clearly annoyed by the fact that his two employees were sharing a moment based on their mutual hatred of him. He didn't care necessarily that they hated him, but he couldn't stand being the butt of a secret inside joke that was strong enough to form bonds of friendship. This just wouldn't do.  
He cleared his throat loudly. Namie rolled her eyes.

“Well this sure has been such a fun and productive work day, but I have no use for you to be here any longer, Kida-kun. We will have our first public outing Saturday morning. I'll text you the details later. Namie-san, you are dismissed as well. I have no intention of paying you for the time you would have been here, of course. Now kindly get the hell out of my sight.” Izaya turned back to the mass of mixed up papers on the floor, grimacing at the fact that he'd have to spend the rest of the day rearranging everything. Usually he'd have Namie tidy up any mess that was made (especially if she'd been the perpetrator, which was often the case in exploded-file-bomb situations) but Shizuo's file was for his eyes only – no human had nor would ever read the words written there. The pictures were not as big a deal; he had backups of them on his hard drive anyway. Namie was well aware of this fact and had used it to her advantage. Izaya had to hand it to her, she was becoming impressively more vindictive everyday.

Namie shrugged and made her way downstairs. Kida stuffed the handful of pictures in the bag with the box of elevator shoes, and hurriedly made his way to the door. 

“After you, milady,” Kida gestured for Namie to leave first. She took a quick glance back towards Izaya to revel in the fact that she'd succeeded in greatly annoying him. She gave Kida a pointed look and winked, leaving without a word. His face lit up at the fact a gorgeous older woman was acknowledging his presence for once. He hurried out behind her, eager to get as far away from Izaya as he possibly could for the time being.

But perhaps working with him would have its perks after all.

♂♀

_Russia Sushi, around the same time..._

“Ahhh-choo!”

Tom Tanaka looked up from his plate of sushi to stare at his kohai, startled by the loud sneeze. The source of the sneeze, a handsome blonde-haired man dressed like a bartender, sniffled a bit.

“You've been sneezing a lot lately. Not coming down with a cold, are you?”

“I'm fine, Tom-san. It's nothing to worry about,” the man reassured him, wiping at his nose with a handkerchief he'd been carrying in his pocket.

“Perhaps it can be confirmed that rumors are being spread around about Shizuo-senpai like honey on bread,” a stoic voice spoke cryptically from beside them. Shizuo looked at the source of the voice sitting across from him, belonging to an incredibly pretty Caucasian woman with long blonde hair.

He paused to consider her words, albeit strangely phrased. 

Shizuo frowned and gestured towards her with his chopsticks. “You may be onto something there, Vorona. Hmm. Why do I have a bad feeling all of the sudden...?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And on that day, a truly unstoppable Brotp was formed.  
> I wonder what kind of things are written in Shizu-chan's file? Heh heh.  
> Next chapter the story starts actually getting good (I hope). This is going to be a lot longer than I previously thought, so I'm trying to make it as entertaining as possible along the way.
> 
> (1) Izaya strikes me as the kind of guy who'd know the exact heights of everyone around him cause he's pretty much a stalker and seems into keeping stats and such like that (plus I could see it being a hobby of his since he loves his humans enough to bother keeping track of such random info). According to the wiki, Masaomi is 170cm (5'7”) and Shizuo is 185cm (6'1”), so their height difference is about half a foot (or 15cm). For perspective, Izaya is 175cm (5'9”). Even though he's saying “at least”, he's actually being exact, but trying to play it off like he doesn't know for sure. This kinda explains why he knows Masaomi's measurements - although exactly HOW he went about that is totally up for whatever speculation you want.
> 
> (2) In the Drrr! manga spinoff, 3 way standoff, the Shizuo warning message board is a real thing. Although I'm not sure if the story is entirely canonical, but it is official. So it can be assumed that it's highly likely it exists in the canon Drrr! universe considering Shizuo's infamous reputation. Which answers a lot about how Izaya always seems to know where he is...but then only raises more questions about how often he purposefully runs into Shizuo. 
> 
> (3) In one episode during the second season, Izaya calls Shizuo “暴力ばか” (bouryoku baka) which literally means “violent idiot” or like “stupid violence”. A translation that flows a little better would be “violent freak”, which I find infinitely more hilarious. So it's safe to assume he's using that here in his speech.
> 
> (4) I have this head canon that Izaya has like a huge secret stash of Shizuo photos. I base this off of two things from the canon Drr universe: 1, Izaya gives Akane Awakusu a picture of Shizuo, which in the second season shows him to be raging out at the camera. This leads me to think Izaya likes to snap photos of him sometimes to make him angrier before their fights. 2, In the beginning of one of the novels (I think like 5 or 6? Can't remember) one of the illustrations shows Izaya taking a selfie. The next illustration shows a screen shot of a cellphone's camera roll, which many assume to be Izaya's. It has pictures of many of the Drr characters, but there are like 3 pictures of Shizuo (none of which he is looking into the camera, apparently oblivious to the fact they've been taken), which is way more than any of the others. So to me that's plausible enough evidence lol


End file.
